Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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