I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
