my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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