fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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