she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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