I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
