my vag is so smooth its legendary
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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