fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I have aggressive nipples.
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