sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
