mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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