I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
