I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
