arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize