Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
