I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
