I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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