I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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