my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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