bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
