Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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