I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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