Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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