just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
