this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
