headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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