Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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