He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it's like iHOP with fire
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
