Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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