the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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