my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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