a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize