see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize