OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
