I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize