Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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