he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
