i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
