I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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