if i can run in heels then i can drive
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
