just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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