i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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