Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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