he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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