i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
