Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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