The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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