just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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