Jerry, you need to find god
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
