I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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