drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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