Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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