so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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