I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My ass is underappreciated
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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