i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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