Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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