Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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