I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
