so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
