Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
