I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
