i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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