Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
