Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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