when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
