there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
