i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
