I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
