burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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